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While relationships can be as fun as two labradoodle puppies rolling around in the grass snipping at butterflies, they can also be as non-sensical and confusing as three Chinamen watching Black Dynamite translated into patois. After accounting for personal biases and f*cked up family histories plus the square root of the insane relationship drama that’s already occurred, its a wonder anybody manages to get into relationships at all nowadays. But luckily, we’re a persistent bunch, us humans. Not like those Plutoians. Those lazy bastards let AMERICA nix their planet from the solar system.
What kind of p*ssy lets his whole PLANET get snuffed out by some random schmucks?
And by the way, I haven’t even begun to fight to get to my point. So let’s get to the point: relationships, while fun, are also a the source of so many retarded rules and “ironic” aha moments that I felt like I’d be doing a service to Obama by NOT discussing a few of these paradoxical paradoxes – which may or may not have just canceled itself out.
By the way, I’m watching vh1Soul right now and Levert’s “Casanova” is playing right now. It seems like all male singing groups from the early 80s to mid 90s were pretty damn gay. And by the way, Lyfe Jennigs “Statistics” song is hilariously R. Kellyian. Anyway, on to the paradoxes.
1. We hold people me met two months ago to a higher standard with our emotions than we do somebody we’ve known for ten years.
Talk abot a conflict of interest. I remember a long time ago, many moons ago, where a chick I was talking to at the time got flaked on by me (I’m sure I had a good reason at the time) and her best friend. Do you know she was mad at? Me. I said I was going to do something and I didn’t do it. Her other friend is known for being that way so she could forgive that. Hey God, it’s me Vitamin P…what part of the game is that? But men and women do it. We entrust these new people we don’t know from Adam with our hearts and then get mad when they turn it into the ball during World Cup 2012: Deez Nuts Edition. I’ve always taken umbrage with this one. Then again, I use words like umbrage so I’m prone to go up on the down stroke.
2. Chicks will sleep with a dude they aren’t interested in but will hold out on a guy they actually like.
This is the most counterintuitive chick logic (double negative redundancy, I know) in history. If a chick is really feeling you, she’ll tell you to wait for it and earn it, while Big Black Af from Crenshaw and King texts her with the “cum over” and she’s ready to to hit the streets for the back shots.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKY.
3. Guys (my brothers my brothers) will expect women to believe we instantly change…a solid 2 minutes after doing the very thing that caused a woman to not want to deal with us.
Even I can admit to dropping the “I’ve changed” line once before. It was true though. She didn’t like the shirt I had on, so I changed it. Speaking of change, Omarion had a song called “I’m Gon’ Change” on his album O, which I suppose is self-titled, though I’m guessing the “O” was more of a double entendre…anyway, men expect women NOT to take our entire histories into account when we say stuff like, “baby, I’m different now.” Then again, women will take us back 98 percent of the time, so why should we learn.
Hmm…
4. Women will take us back 98 percent of the time.
So why should we learn. If every time a man takes something out of the cookie jar, you put 10 more cookies in just in case he wants more, what else iz we gon’ do? Hey girl, don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime.
Does anybody actually know what the f*ck Lyfe was talking about with that line? Did he just tell average heffas to stay in their lane AFTER telling them how much men suck?
5. Men and women take advice from their single and unhappy friends…because they’re available to give advice instead of happily boning somebody.
Single women have been giving out bad advice for eons. I’m convinced that the it wasn’t a serpent who misled Eve, there was another chick in the Garden of Eden in the lost books of the bible who told Eve “girl, he ain’t listening to you? Where dey do dat at? Give him the apple and teach him a thing or two. Girl, God wont know, he busy watching Guiding Light.”
Michael Jackson said that you are not alone, so what are other relationship paradoxes that suggested reh-tardation? Where dey do dat at?
It’s midnight, do you know where your pillow pet is?
